Saturday, November 03, 2007

DEAD PATROL episode 1 review (ammended with 100% less slag!)

via the Zombie Reporting Center:
Episode 1: "Trapped"

Zombies are great fodder for genre storytelling. After all, it's end of the world stuff.
However, Dead Patrol isn't great storytelling. It's not even good storytelling.
Sure, they managed to get a Skinny Puppy song for their main titles. Sure, they stole the design for those main titles from The 4400. It looks and feels pretty professional.
Everything else pretty much sucks.
The logic of the premise is extremely weak to begin with. After the zombie apocalypse, the Army begins nuking cities. Well, let's look at that. In zombie lore, they dead go to where the food is. If the cities are no longer inhabited and there was no food available, they wouldn't still be in the cities. Oops.
Second problem? They send a two man team in. One's a young guy. The other's a 40s-ish housewife-looking bird with an eyebrow piercing. The military would never allow eyebrow piercings. Sorry. That'd be a spectacularly bad idea in a zombie apocalypse as well. Ever seen someone with a piercing in a fight? That piercing almost always ends up being ripped out. And eyebrow piercings bleed a LOT.
Thinking in the logic of the zombie genre, that's a tremendously risky thing to have. Either the zombie rips it out and you get infected via the blood, or the zombie rips it out and you get blood in your eye, blinding you at a crucial moment.
Two soldiers against an entire city full of the undead? Um...The military isn't stupid. Not gonna happen. The military can't tie a pair of shoes without at least twelve soldiers. Zombies would rate a few more, I think.
The two soldiers steal a Lamborghini to make their getaway. Problem #1 - they crash out of the garage (through a plate glass window, which mysteriously has no frame). That would have seriously damaged the car. Problem #2 - they stop for an old lady zombie (I think it was an attempt at humor, but, well...just not funny). Besides, the CGI for the car was just fucking terrible. Save the money and buy a used Rabbit or something.
Well...where was the vehicle they brought the warhead in on? They show a trailer. But no vehicle to tow it. Why not just drive that out?
Better yet...if you're going to nuke a city...just send a missile. Then your "two man team" doesn't have to face the living dead at all...that is until they find the missile silo.
I haven't even mentioned the uneven and mostly hilariously bad zombie effects. The less said about them the better, actually.
I've since been contacted by two of the people involved in the making of this web series (see one of them spewing stupidity in the comments) who attempted to explain the shortcomings. Apparently, there WAS a truck and there WERE more troops. But somehow these two got left behind (they could have mentioned this...a line of dialogue would have explained it). And there's a backstory to the eyebrow piercing...which while still totally a bad idea will apparently be explained in future episodes. The only explanation for why missiles weren't sent instead of soldiers? No drama.
Yes, that's exactly how the military operates. Based on drama. Yeesh.
Out of consideration for Jas, I will give the second episode a chance (It's apparently gonna be ready before the month is over...which is QUICK turnaround for a web show...I be impressed). I hope to bring you better tidings when it drops.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

i thought it was odd that you referred to someone as a "slag." that seemed to be rude, but then i saw your photo on your blog there. you are clearly the most handsome man ever! you are obviously qualified to judge other people's physical attributes. i feel funny now for every questioning it and bow down to your sexy judging skills.

Adam said...

I stand by every word of my review. Including calling the manly thing with tits a "slag". She's not even feminine, let alone sexy. And sadly, that's part of the script. She's supposed to be at least fairly attractive, since her partner is supposed to be ogling her.
Of course, I'm not an anonymous douche bottle who's incapable of using a shift key. I don't post comments on blogs without letting people know exactly who I am. Unlike certain twits who don't have the sack to admit who they are.

Anonymous said...

hey, i'm agreeing with you. far be it from me to doubt the opinion of such a sexy, sexy man.
capital letters are overrated.
and you are correct, i am clearly a douche bottle. you are familiar with these because you've seen them used by the many, many, many women you have slept with.

Adam said...

Let's just say I do far better than I should, anonymous. But, it's because I'm witty and funny and people like having me around.
It still doesn't make Joanna look attractive. Or her eyebrow piercing any more wrong in the context of the show.

Now, back to the drawing board with you. Try and make something good this time.

Anonymous said...

Wow, it looks like your inflammatory post about Dead Patrol is the only thing bringing people to your site. Good for you. Any publicity is good publicity, even for you.

I feel sorry for you sir. Not only do you stand back and cast grenades at people who take on very ambitious tasks on a shoestring budget, you offer no better alternative yourself. When you produce a top-notch web series, I'll be the first to come to your blog and offer my congratulations. In the meantime, may I suggest that you keep your positively worthless comments to yourself and discontinue lying about your sexual prowess to protect what's left of an ego that is forever scarred from the high school bullies who really were sleeping with the girls you thought about whilst playing with your General Zod action figure.

I'm sure the folks at Dead Patrol are thrilled to have your comments since conflict creates attention, and they seem to be getting more and more of it lately. Well done. Your work here is finished. You may now resume your duties as the moderator of the Star Wars fan fiction headquarters. Cheers.

Adam said...

Sadly, I never got the General Zod action figure I wanted. And other folks have gotten to the Chewy/Han slash fiction idea ages before me.

If you produce a work and put it out there, you open it up to criticism, little man. And if it's as sub-par as DEAD PATROL...well, people are gonna make fun of it.
Your show sucks. Deal with it.

Anonymous said...

It's not my show, champ (and I'm not rexcase either, I just don't have a google ID). I just support the indy filmmakers out there because I'm tired of being force-fed the drek of Hollywood like everyone else. One man's "Citizen Kane" may be another man's "Redneck Zombies". Either way, there is a difference between constructive criticism and being a dick. Hey, maybe I'm naive, but when I see people trying to offer alternatives to the mainstream, I try to support their efforts even if I don't personally enjoy the product. Therein lies the problem: Even if you did make any valid points in your critique, they are basically overlooked by the intelligent person because your approach JUST makes you look like a dick, not an open-minded critic.

I never got the Zod figure either, but I'm not taking it out on the working stiffs of the film world either.

Adam said...

"working stiffs"? Um...if you were one of the working stiffs of the film world, you wouldn't be making a "top notch" web series. You'd be doing something real.
For the record, that first episode of DEAD PATROL is anything but top notch.

Supporting someone's effort when they make an inferior product is just stupid. But, then again, from your comments, you're not only that, but immature, and not all that well in the head.

Don't think you're fooling anyone with anonymous trolling. You type exactly like rexcase. You use the same arguments. I'll just assume you are until you properly identify your non-talented self.

Someday, I hope you get that Zod figure. Maybe that will make you happy, instead of the joyless halfwit buffoon you are.