Thursday, February 05, 2004

High Kicks Review! -- No, wait...don't get excited about it...

I have seen the pinnacle of crap.
I have seen the lowest film can sink.
And it is High Kicks.
With less production value than an Andy Sidaris film, High Kicks looks and even sounds like cheap porno. Except, there's no nudity. The closest you get is a couple nipple shots in the opening credits.
A perky, horse-faced aerobics instructor gets raped by a gang who learned all their street cred from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Sam, the new janitor at work (a man with possibly the worst hair ever put to film) befriends her and introduces her to all his martial ats buddies. Yup. The hero is a fucking janitor.
Turns out, the dorkish hero...who lives on a raped when he was sailing around somewhere, and that's what got him to learn karate. Really. So, apparently, he has something against rapists and cheapass gang members
The two of them, and his asshole friends, start beating up the gang members one by one to get even with them. Then, they devolop karate aerobics. Really.
Honestly, Billy Blanks should sue their Tae Bo-faking asses.

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