NextWave #2
writer: Warren Ellis
artist: Stuart Immonen
published by Marvel Comics

If I didn't already have my lips busy kissing Grant Morrison's ass, I'd probably be puckering up for Warren Ellis.
What he's done in only two issues of NextWave is nothing short of remarkable. He's turned the Marvel Universe on its ear and managed to finally point out that 1) Fin Fang Foom has no genitalia and 2) he wears underwear anyway.
That, and he's created the funniest, most giddily fucked up super-team since Giffen and DeMatteis' Justice League. He took a bunch of Marvel B-listers and never was-beens and forged them into the heiney-bootin', hard-drinkin' superteam for a new century -- and he also managed to almost make me pee myself laughing.
I want a crappily animated NextWave movie -- it can be as crappily animated as Ultimate Avengers -- BUT THEY HAVE TO LET IT BE JUST AS RUDE AND DISGUSTING AS THE COMIC OR I WILL FUCKING KILL PEOPLE!!!

Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #1-3
writer: Grant Morrison
artist: Doug Mahnke
published by DC Comics

Grant Morrison is the smartest comics writer alive. He might be the best, too.
So, I've been keeping up with his Seven Soldiers project over at DC. The whole thing is one massive story, starting in his JLA: Classified run.
Essentially, these tiny little extradimensional beings called the Sheeda are attacking humanity, and seven heroes must come together to stop them. It's a perpetual cycle, one that goes back to the beginnings of human history. Every so often, there is a culling of the race by these invaders. And every time, seven champions are called upon to defend the Earth.
So far, we've seen the adventures of The Manhattan Guardian, Shining Knight, Zatanna, Klarion the Witch-Boy, Mister Miracle and the Bulleteer (And if you're REALLY good, I might get off my ass and review them. Oh, wait. I'm lazy. Forget I said anything.)
Frankenstein starts off in 1870 as Frankenstein (referred to as Frankenstein, not Adam or the Frankenstein Monster -- Morrison isn't attempting to retell Shelley) is fighting some dude named Melmoth on a train. To say that Frankenstein unleashes eighteen boxes of hell on the guy and his Maggot minions would be an understatement. From the get-go, this is rollicking high adventure -- or so you'd think.
There's a beheading. The train crashes. Something causes the whole deal to flash in and out of time until 2005, when a town is constructed over the site.
Cut to a high school kid named Uglyhead. Well, that's not his name, but that's what everyone calls him. Frankly, they're right. Uglyhead is a repulsive nerd stereotype straight outta the internet, but Uglyhead now has super powers. He can see peoples' thoughts as speech bubbles.
And it makes him hate people more.
One girl seems to sympathise with him, and Uglyhead thinks that he might spare her what's coming. And if you think it's gonna be as simple as a Columbine-style rampage, you don't know Grant Morrison.
Uglyhead's in with the Sheeda, and he's unleashing them on his fellow students, bringing out their fears and making them reality -- making them as ugly as he is and as ugly as they feel inside.
When the girl and Uglyhead finally have their climactic meeting at the prom, she finds he's sacrificed all her fellow students to the Maggots, which need human hosts to mature into Sheeda.
Then, Frankenstein wakes up. As I mentioned before, this isn't the Frankenstein you're used to. This one might be a cobbled together corpse-man, but he's also a butt-kicking advernturer who carries powerful magic talisman's like the sword of the Archangel Michael and a big fucking gun.
Uglyhead doesn't stand a chance.
Issue 2 trades high school for Mars. Frankenstein traces Melmoth and some missing children to the Red Planet. This isn't John Carter's Mars, of course -- though from the look of the architecture and artifacts, it might be home to DC's Martian Manhunter.
A royal ass-kicking ensues.
Issue 3 cuts back to Earth, as Frankenstein investigates strange happenings in a town called Salvation Valley. Something bad is in the water. And...the Bride of Frankenstein shows up!
Let's cut to the chase. If you're reading any of the Seven Soldiers books, you're a Grant Morrison fan. You like having your mind blown. And while Frankenstein goes light on the psychopyrotechnics, it exchanges them for a heaping dose of blistering action.
Frankenstein is a bigger badass than Schwarzeneggar, Charlton Heston, Eastwood and Chow Yun-Fat put together. He's not monosyllabic, but he's a man of few words. Because, dammit, he lets his fists (and weapons) do his talking for him. He's an unliving avenger, kicking ass in the name of the Lord (or something thereabouts).
Doug Mahnke's raw, rough and jagged artwork is a perfect companion to this very unusual monster story. His Frankenstein borrows liberally from many of the Monsters of the Silver Screen, but he also has a style all his own. Under Mahnke's hand, the opposition comes off even more horrifying than our terrifying hero. Hell, you've seen nothing until you've seen a herd of carnivorous cows rampaging through a town. Yikes!
I still don't know exactly where Morrison's going with the Seven Soldiers storyline, and that's half the fun. I'm surprised by so little any more, it's always nice to read someone with an imagination to match the medium.

Podcast Planet #2: What Adam's Listening To

Since I have made a few recommendations about podcasts, I'm gonna tell you exactly what I'm listening to now. In fact, the links in this article are the feeds I listen to.
I don't use podcasts for news because I don't listen to them often enough to be current every day. I might only listen to one program once a week. I end up READING my news (always the best way) instead. So, given some time, I might do yet another update to this, tentatively called RSS Planet, where I'll throw out some of the feeds I read.

Podcast Software
I use the podcast aggregator Juice to download almost all my podcasts. Not iTunes. Because Juice resumes partial downloads (which is important for indie casters, since it saves bandwidth and thus $$$). It's open-source. It's free. And it integrates seemlessly with my iTunes.
Writing
I'm a writer, and I do listen to two podcasts about writing. The Writing Show is a decent show in the NPR mold that deals with the business side as often as the creative side of writing. Writers on Writing is more of a conversation with writers of various formats -- including a reading of said author's work. Because of these shows, I finally came around to listening to the free, public domain books over at LibriVox.
Video Podcasts
I do watch a number of video podcasts, two of which I haven't figured out how to get into Juice yet. Dammit. So, I have to download those via iTunes. The first of the iTunes-only 'casts is RocketBoom, a pseudo-news program more in the vein of BoingBoing or DeFamer. Amanda Congden brings you tech news and weirdness, pretty much on a daily basis. And, allegedly, it's in HD now. Wowsers. I also enjoy the antics of the crew over at TikiBar TV. Lala, if you're reading this -- call me. Really. Every episode, they mix up a tasty Tiki cocktail and yuck it up Rat Pack style. I am truly, truly a fan of this damn show. Lala, really...Call me, babe. We'll do drinks and talk about your, um, science.
I also watch the Vintage ToonCast, a collection of public domain cartoons. Why? Because I fucking love cartoons. They've occasionally veered away from toonage and shown some dude's short films, but what the hey? Me likey.
I'm curious about technology, much like every other guy out there, and thus I appreciate GeekBrief TV. Host 'Cali Lewis' introduces you to new and fun tech items as often as humanly possible -- and now that she's on PodShow, maybe even more often.
I'm curious about sex as well (much like every other guy out there) and have found KitKast not only fun and informative, but occasionally insightful. Unlike Suicide Girls, the Yum Yum Girlie Show or the ClubJenna trailer cast, all of which are duds (and all of which are just commercials for premium services anyway). KitKast is actually a news show that covers sex and the sex industry.
Since I'm also curious about the culture of the Far East and how to do all those crazy ninja moves from Ninja 3: The Domination (like EVERY guy out there), I watch the Ask a Ninja podcast with religious fervor. OK. I'm lying. I only just started watching. But it's funny.
Movies and TV
I'm a whore for Kevin Smith (Kev...call me. Really. Since Lala won't have me, I WILL go gay for you, you lunchbox full of man-lovin...) I'm eagerly awaiting his next film, Clerks 2 and I'm enjoying the living hell out of his video journals from the set.
Since I mentioned entertainment I'm a total whore for, I loooove me some Lost. And the Official Lost Podcast gives me an extra fix with just about every episode of the show.
I do listen to two movie review podcasts, both very much mainstream. Ebert and Roeper are still the gold standard for mainstream movie reviews, and even though the podcast is just an audio version of the TV show, it's every bit as informative (though I miss the clips from the movies). I also listen to Statler and Waldorf: From the Balcony because I have a soft spot in my heart for the old codgers from The Muppet Show. I've tried a number of the indie movie 'casts...and frankly...they all suck. But not for much longer, hopefully.
Sports
Hockey season is still going strong, so I listen to two hockeycasts (I used to listen to the feeds of BlueJackets games but stopped when I was almost 20 games behind in my listening). I listen to the Madison Square Garden Network's HockeyNation and TSN's NHL Insider with Bob McKenzie pretty regularly.
Politics
I might not get my news from podcasts, but I do like to keep up on politics. And, though I'd sorta discounted him at first, I've found John Edwards to be one of my favorite politicians out there (and a hell of a nice guy when I met him here in CBus). He has both an audio and video blog on his site, and he invites registered members of his online community to participate.
Comics
Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows I'm a sucker for comics, and thus I enjoy getting news from the House of Ideas on the Marvel Comics podcast. I really appreciate that they've taken the effort to sit down and do something for their fans and retailers in this format. Some day, I might even apologize to Joe Q for embarassing him with questions about what he was thinking hiring that assclown Chuck Austen. Maybe.
Podio Books
Speaking of reading, I love books. That's no secret. But I've only started appreciating the emergent format of podio-books. Scott Sigler's EarthCore and Ancestor were both very entertaining, no matter what issues I had with Scott's bad accents or occasional story hiccups. And he's got a new podio book dropping ANY DAY NOW! Also, because of one of his short stories being read on the show, I finally checked out Escape Pod, a science fiction podcast full of short fiction. Good stuff.
Humor
I don't know about you, but I like a good laugh. Bring me the funny any day. I even appreciate sicko humor. So, it's not really a surprise that I listen to Tim Henson's Distorted View Daily. When I found out that he was also a friend of a friend, it only just illustrated how damn small the world really is. If you're into goofy British humor, I'd recommend the Ricky Gervais Show, but they're charging now. So, as far as this poor bastard is concerned, fuck that noise. Instead, try out TheFixOnline's online radio show. Sadly, I can't find a damn RSS feed for that. Stupid ignorant British bastards.
Speaking of funny, how lucky am I? My favorite traditional couples' podcast, The PK and J Show is right out of my hometown of Columbus, Ohio. They're fun, a great listen and they ALSO know Tim Henson. Like I said...small world. So, they're like friends of a friend of a friend.
PK isn't a Preacher's Kid. And J is actually a chick. The two have an easy chemistry and seem fairly comfortable in front of the microphone. The show is fairly free-form, and they'll spend as much time on taste-testing vodka as they do on politics. I can't rightly say I've ever learned something from the PK and J Show, but I've always been entertained.
The Interlude Where I Diss Dawn&Drew and Soccergirl
I gave up on Dawn and Drew because I just got sick and tired of Dawn. I don't mind Drew Domkus' personality at all, but Dawn just gets all over every last nerve I have. She's always trying to act all sexy when she looks like Ernest Borgnine with pink hair. She keeps getting stupid pets -- yeah, she's one of THOSE people -- and Drew ends up taking care of them. She likes small, yippie dogs. And she's truly convinced she's witty and funny when she's most certainly not. Drew'd be better off jettisoning her broad-beamed behind and recruiting her father, Showbiz Dad.
I also don't listen to Soccergirl Incorporated any more because, well, she just got stale. I fast-forwarded through her bathcasts because I didn't find her "erotic" stories very erotic. I never bothered looking at pictures of Soccergirl's tits, so I really can't be bothered to being in her little cult of personality. Or lack thereof.
I'm glad that people buy her gifts for showing her tits off. That's terrific. If I had a pair of boobs, I'd show them off so people would buy me furniture and a DVD collection. That's totally what I'd do. Oh, wait. That's totally fucking lame. Sorry, Soccergirl fans, but your idol has nothing to offer you but her digitally captured rack.
Ryan P, on the other hand, rules.
The Charlie!
Speaking of cults of personality, for all everyone tries to nail Adam Curry for any verbal misstep he might make, I truly enjoy his Daily Source Code. Curry is a breath of fresh air in total opposition to any image I had of him from his days at MTV.
I've always hated MTV. And for the longest time, before that asshole Carson Daly came along, Adam Curry was the poster child for everything that was wrong with the channel. He was this Big-Haired Fag who introduced videos and tried to look all excited by the crap they were passing off as music. I truly hated Adam Curry.
Sure, he's still a Big-Haired Fag...but he's OUR Big-Haired Fag. He truly gives a damn about this new media, and he's doing something about it.
All that hatred for Adam Curry? Oh, I realize it was misplaced. I was wrong. I've come to admit that yes, Adam Curry is one of us. And dammit, I love his show.
Delta Sierra Charlie (pilot-speak for the DSC's call letters) is entertaining as hell, not because of the music Curry spins (though he does find some true gems on the Podsafe Music Network. No, it's entertaining because Curry invites his listeners into his home, his car, and his business -- everything. He's completely open and candid. He's willing to sit there on the air in his bathrobe, spliff in mouth, and tell you all about his hangover, jet lag or even his problems raising a teenager. He's even opened up a segment on his show to compare notes with his listeners about personal grooming tips (which kinda does prove he's a Big Haired Fag, but like I said before, he's OUR Big Haired Fag).
He might be The Podfather, but he's also just a guy with all the same problems as the rest of us. Oh, and he occasionally shits all over MTV, which just makes my heart ooze gooey love for him.
Blatant Plug
Now, just in case you haven't read any of my blatant plugs, I listen regularly to Constant Columbus, a weekly music cast about the local scene right here in my backyard. There's a link to their site right over on the right hand side of the page. Go on. Click it. You know you want to. I know one of the hosts, and in spite of being a total fucking jerk, he's not a bad guy. I'm loving the new format and I think his new cohost is gonna work out just fine.
Dorks Are Fun: A Quickie Review, Too!
So, I was recommending podcasts to a friend the other day, and I mentioned a new one I've been listening to, Dork de Jour (Yes. I, and they, know it's misspelled.).
His complaint about it...Derek "dmann" Mahr is an idiot.
I'd like to address that. First off, let's assume that Derek IS an idiot. That's all well and good. But...he's OUR idiot. The idea is, you support your own. Derek, though an idiot, is one of us. He's a geek, he's trying. Give him a chance.
Second. Let's assume the opposite. Perhaps Derek isn't an idiot. Perhaps it's just another case of Opinions Are Like Assholes -- Everyone Has One. Once again, no reason not to listen.
I realize that we all have limited time, limited hard drive space, limited space in our iPods/Rios/etc. There are thousands of podcasts out there, some of which are to our tastes. Some aren't. But the only way to know is to TRY them.
For the record, Derek Mahr IS an idiot. But, that's part of his charm. Hearing him and his co-host Megan McDonald (the brains of the outfit -- take that again, Derek! BURN!!!) gab about whatever weirdness comes to their minds is refreshing after listening to something more pandering like the Dawn and Drew Show.
Dork de Jour really is meant for a few select friends to listen to. But, why can't that circle of friends widen? The issues they address really are universal, not just for people addicted to Ain't It Cool News.
I don't watch American Idol (except occasionally when I'm at the theater and it's on). I'm not interested in everything that Megan and Derek are interested in. But, the podcast is just as compelling as stuff that I'm totally invested in. I'm hooked mainly because of the glorious, random train wreck that it is.
From movies to the Nobel prize to American Idol to dead celebs to Scott Stapp's porno tape, Dork de Jour covers it all from the perspective to two admitted dorks several states apart communicating with each other (and us) via Skype. The audio is spotty...which is a GOOD thing, because it means they're authentic, fucker...and they really have zero focus. Which is also a good thing (see above).
Neither of the hosts take themselves, or the show, seriously. Also a great thing. Because if they have to shit all over something, it doesn't seem as mean spirited as a FOX News commentator. It's all about fun and things that they love. How many people claim to be better than Ex-Lax for relieving constipation?
Besides, they like Deadwood. And any cocksucker who watches Deadwood is okay in my book.

The podcast revolution is all about participation. And that means that Roger Smalls is just as vital to the revolution as that Big-Haired Fag Adam Curry. Listen to a few of these podcasts and see if they're to your liking. I'll keep in touch about the new coolness I discover, and I hope you all do the same.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand trailer
Yeah, I've watched the second trailer for X-Men 3: The Last Stand about 30 times so far.
I firmly plant myself apart from Fanboy GroupThink. This movie, based on the trailer, seems to have the goods. Sure, they deviate wildly from X-Men canon and history, but so has every fucking superhero movie ever made.
Just so long as Brett Ratner gets all he needs to insure the finished product in May is every bit as kick ass as the two trailers, my keister will be in a seat on opening day. And maybe the day after, too.
There are some great scenes in the new trailer. Pretty much everything with Kelsey Grammer in it (aside from the awful Fur T-Shirt -- didn't they have a make-up crew on set???). Iceman freezing the pond. Cyclops letting loose like he never has before. Juggernaut chasing Shadowcat. The bit (after Phoenix or Juggernaut's attack) with Logan and Storm crying over the empty wheelchair. Oh, did they give something away?
I've been an X-Men fan for something like 22 years. Before that, I read Captain America, Batman, The Avengers and The Hulk, and that was pretty much it. Uncanny X-Men opened my eyes to how amazing comics really could be. And how powerful the stories and characterization in a slim 22-page book could be. There've been a few years when I wasn't reading any X-books. Those years, I read no comics at all. I've gone back and read most of what I've missed from those times.
I understand that sometimes there are different creative teams on a comic book -- different writers, artists, etc. Why can't it be the same for this franchise? This might not be Claremont & Byrne at their finest, but I'm fairly certain it's not gonna be Chuck Austen.
I also hope it isn't truly the franchise's last stand. There's a dearth of stories to tell in the X-Universe. As long as they can keep the quality up, there's no reason why we can't see a few more films. Trilogies are so passe. Like 3 is some kinda magic number. To hell with that idea.
Let May come. I think I'll be happy when it does.

Adam hacks Firewall

Harrison Ford was my hero when I was a kid.
Of course, I had blond hair as a wee one, so I didn't get to play Han Solo at recess in elementary school. That honor went to my dark-haired friend Justin. I had to be Luke, which sucked because Luke was a whiny bastard who ended up getting his hand cut off.
It wasn't untilI was in junior high when I discovered that Luke could also be a badass. I missed out on that as a kid. Luke, Jedi-in-training or no, was a glorified sidekick before Return of the Jedi. Still, Harrison Ford was my hero. And not just for Star Wars -- dude, he was INDIANA JONES!!! And Deckard, the Blade Runner. And he was in Force Ten from Navarone.
When I was a kid, Harrison Ford could do no wrong.
Actually, back in the day, he really couldn't. He kept taking great roles, even a couple that let him stretch his acting chops in Frantic and The Mosquito Coast. Even when he was in a dud movie (Presumed Innocent), he was golden.
Then, along came Air Force One.
The movie wasn't terrible. In fact, it sort of surpasses itself, thanks in small part to Gary Oldman and Ford. But, Ford's acting was derailed by a weak script which reduced him to a tag line -- "GET OFF MY PLANE!" -- which I still make fun of to this day.
And after that, things just kept getting worse.
The remake of Sabrina? Six Days, Seven Nights? What Lies Beneath? Hollywood Homicide? Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.
And now...Firewall. Here's the saddened state of Harrison Ford's career. He used to be the King of summer blockbuster movies. Now, he gets dumped in February, the graveyard of every studio's release schedule.
But wait...Firewall boasts an impressive cast behind Harrison Ford. Paul Bettany (who is wonderful in too many movies to count) plays the villain. Virginia Madsen (the current "Over 40 'It' Girl" after Sideways) is his wife. Robert Patrick (fresh from a fantastic supporting role in Walk the Line) plays his new boss. Alan Arkin (who I adore) plays the president of the bank he works for. And Robert Forster. Robert Fucking Medium Cool/Black Hole/Alligator/Jackie Brown Forster plays Ford's best friend. Mary Lynn Rajskub (who you might recognize from Mr Show or 24) is his secretary.
To me, that's a GREAT cast.
Sadly, this is a really AVERAGE movie. At best.
Ford plays Jack Stanfield, a computer security specialist for a bank that's being taken over by a major finance company. He's got a lovely wife and two children and a stupid little rat-dog named Rusty.
Blah blah blah, his family gets kidnapped by this devious criminal mastermind played by Bettany and his frozen dinner-eating henchmen, all of whom bored the shit out of me and whom I wanted to die. Thankfully, at least on that note, the movie didn't disappoint me.
For a mastermind, Bettany's Bill Cox or whatever his name really was is kind of an idiot. Every time a hitch comes up in his plan, it just shows how little this supposed consumate planner really planned his heist. It doesn't bode well for a movie when the hero spends a good third of the movie correcting the villains mistakes. Aren't they BOTH supposed to be smart? Isn't this a battle of minds, instead of one mind and a moron?
Have I mentioned that I really hated ALL of Bettany's co-conspirators? Damn, they annoyed the hell out of me. There's this twit who's supposedly a shit-hot hacker and he's also this whiny, fey twerp who supposedly has the hots for Stanfield's wife -- except you can totally tell he'd rather see Alan Arkin pole dancing in a see-through thong. And then there's this lummox who was in a skateboard movie (I think Grind) who has the dumbest facial expression known to man -- and can't change it. Oh, and I can't forget the pretty one who just stands around making stupid faces like he's Derek Fucking Zoolander. There was ONE henchman who seemed like he could act and had a personality...but he gets killed for making a mistake and being almost nice to Stanfield's family.
Virginia Madsen has long been one of my not-so-secret crushes (since Dune, I believe), and she's still lovely. Hell, she's a fine actress, too. Except...she has no fucking part whatsoever in this movie. Really. She's around to look scared and get tied up. I feel bad for her. She deserves better than this movie. Really.
Robert Patrick is decent enough in his role, playing a guy who's damn near as smart as Stanfield (even though Stanfield characterizes him as an idiot). And, right as he almost pieces things together, his character just disappears from the script. Arkin and Forster are great for the minute and a half they each get. And, the script almost offers a surprise for the audience about Forster's character. Almost. Rajskub gets to play Chloe from 24 without the smarts or skills -- and is still more than adequate. But she's there only as a tool to be used, and her subplots in the script are just forced out the yin-yang.
The two Stanfield children -- well, I kinda wanted them to die, too. Especially the wide-eyed, pansy ass momma's boy son with the peanut allergy. I would have force-fed the little panty-waist about three pounds of JiF and then shoved a jar of Planter's Honey Roasts up his bunghole. My gods, what an annoying little fuck.
His daughter? What kind of person -- of any age or gender -- when being held hostage -- makes their dad promise to bring back her iPod when he borrows it to attempt to rescue the family? Answer: a vapid, poorly-written one, of course.
Whoever Joe Forte is, someone needs to tell Hollywood that he's no longer allowed to write scripts. I realize he knows all the keyboard shortcuts in Final Draft...but you can train monkeys to do those, too. And a trained monkey could write a better thriller than this.
Richard Loncraine does his best with the pile of yak droppings he's given, but ultimately he proves that he should be maybe looking for work in daytime TV instead of feature films. This from the guy who directed Bettany in Wimbledon (which was very watchable), Sting in Brimstone & Treacle and Sir Ian McKellen in Richard III. Richard, you can do better than this. Really.
From top to bottom, this movie disappoints. I'd honestly rather watch Big Momma's House 3 than any movie from the creative team of Firewall.
Harrison Ford was my hero. Now he's just a has-been, and it saddens me to no end to see my ex-hero reduced to this. Really. He needs to work with a good director on a great script and remind me how terrific he can be. But until then, he's going to remain a one-line joke.
Adapting it for Firewall (and I'm sure you've heard this already), it's "GET OUT OF MY BANK!"
So sad...

In Defense of Night Watch (sort of)

Over the last couple of decades, there's really been a lack of fantasy in movies. Now, we know it's a popular genre. They wouldn't be selling all of those books, video games and RPG rulebooks otherwise.
Sure, we had the Lord of the Rings movies. But we haven't had a glut like the 80s, where films like Excalibur and Conan the Barbarian (and its sequel) begat The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, Beastmaster, Flesh and Blood, Clash of the Titans, Ladyhawke, Wizards and Warriors, Barbarians, Deathstalker, Hercules, Sword and the Sorceror, etc. The heroic fantasy trend of the 80s probably even surpassed the sword and sandal glut of the 60s.
Precious little fantasy deals with the modern world, so the geek world should rejoice at the release of Nochnoi Dozor (aka Night Watch), the new film from Fox Searchlight. Sadly, it's February, and that means it's dumping season for the movie studios.
Thusly, Night Watch isn't getting a push. Hell, New Line was nicer to the absolutely dreadful Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie. In spite of knowing what a steaming turd they had on their hands, New Line released (nay, squatted and pooped out) that festering pile of dung in the middle of the holiday movie season (in a slot occupied by their Tolkein adaptions in the subsequent three years).
Does it deserve that promotion? Hell yes it does. It it a great movie? Sorry, but no.
So, why can I be in favor of making a huge investment in a movie that I personally wouldn't use as bird cage liner?
Well, it's simple. Once the studio dumps a movie like this, they're much less likely to consider other movies in the same vein. What this means, in simplest terms, is that fantasy fans are much less likely to see their favorite tales adapted to the big big.
No Robert Jordan for you Wheel of Time addicts. No Piers Anthony tales coming down the pike. Less and less of a chance we'll ever see another Conan movie (with or without The Oak).
Without support from the studios, the casual fans aren't going to know it's out there, and no one's gonna see it. The poor business the movie does becomes a reason to make less movies of its ilk, and better stories pay the price.
Now, I wasn't a huge fan or Nochnoi Dozor. It's a watchable movie, but it's just trying too fucking hard. It throws way too much into the mix and ends up being the equivalent of what a junior high school student would come up with if given the money to make his own movie. It's immature and slapdash in its storytelling and the creation of its universe.
Basically, the forces of Light and the forces of Darkness agreed not to kill each other. They negotiated a Truce that is given some small lip service, but never adequately explained. Two police forces are formed to view the opposite side, the Night Watch to observe the Dark and the Day Watch to oversee the Light.
Blah blah blah blah. So, what we have here is a really simple good and evil thing. There's no real depth or history invested here.
Now, just because it's simplistic and not necessarily Shakespeare doesn't mean that the movie's a piece of crap. It's watchable, but it's style over substance. When the style is on, you'll enjoy the ride.
Something tells me that Kevin might chime in on this (if he has time at work).

Adam thinks Ultimate Avengers is anything but ultimate!

Marvel Comics took a big risk a couple years back and put some of their best creators on a set of books that rebooted their famous characters. The Ultimate line started off with versions of their most famous characters, Spider-Man and the X-Men. But, sooner or later, they had to bring the Avengers into the fray.
Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch made The Ultimates one of the most distinctive and memorable of the Ultimate line. Millar's incisive, hard-nosed writing defined Earth's Mightiest Heroes for a new generation. And Hitch's artwork... Well, to say it was beautiful beyond words was an understatement. His redesigns of the characters made the book more than just a mean-spirited reimagining. He made The Ultimates cinematic and truly epic in its scope.
So, Marvel decided that their first direct-to-video movie in collaboration with Lion's Gate was going to be an adaptation of this revolutionary book. The posters, aping Hitch's designs, weren't bad at all.
The final result, however, is just a giant leap backwards. If the last 20 years had never happened...if The Ultimates had never been published...if we weren't introduced to other styles of animation other than the shoddy, cheap Saturday morning cartoon...Ultimate Avengers: The Movie MIGHT have been passable. Maybe.
The movie is allegedly based on Millar's work. Aside from the character names and the Triskellion, nothing at all came from the pages of The Ultimates. Nothing.
The laziness of Ultimate Avengers is almost immediately apparent, since it starts off sort of like the comic, with a battle in the North Atlantic between a group of American commandos and a battalion of Nazis with a super weapon. The problem: you never feel any of the adrenalin rush of reading the comic. You don't feel ANY of the soldiers, let alone Cap, is ever in danger from the Nazis or their alien compatriots, and you're bored to tears with the execution.
From there, the movie veers wildly from the original storyline, from little details like Cap riding the transport plane into the fortress (he ditches early and just sort of floats to the ground) to Thor no longer having a hippie beard (though they try to back up his claims of being an environmentalist by having him attack a whaling ship). None of the changes work.
The whole thing is a mess. The animation isn't up to the par of a good TV program. Instead, it feels like a pilot for a quickie Saturday morning cartoon -- and it's not even as well-animated as some of Marvel's previous efforts (the original pilot for an X-Men cartoon series, Pryde of the X-Men, kicks the ever-loving shit out of Ultimate Avengers). Hell, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends was better -- and more accurate to the source material.
If this is any indication at how Marvel's self-produced efforts are going to turn out, let me be the first to say that I look forward to seeing how DC comics fares with the Marvel characters in their stable. Ultimate Avengers is a failure from the get-go and only gets worse. If this is Marvel's future, then they might not have any future at all.

Wow.
Just check this site out.
Jesus freaks are really, REALLY scary.

Fun with Dick Cheney





I'm not gonna say a thing about this one. Nope. Not. A. Thing.

Adam gets all gothic on Underworld: Evolution
You know, I wasn't the biggest fan of the movie Underworld. I didn't dislike it actively. I just didn't really appreciate it with the verve that I tend to with movies I enjoy. Kate Beckinsale is rarely anything but amazing to look at, and putting her in black vinyl and leather was a special effect unto itself.
Storywise, whatever weaknesses the original had are mostly taken care of. You get quite a lot of explanation of who the characters in the first movie really were and what was truly going on. There's now a logical reason why Viktor (Bill Nighy, who stole Love, Actually from pretty much everyone in the cast and who was yet another bright spot in the greatness that was Shaun of the Dead) kept Beckinsale's Selene around. There's a reason why the House of Corvinus was so important, and why the allegiance of Michael Corvin, the last human descendent of the bloodline, was so crucial.
After a short prologue that shows the true beginning of the vampire/lycan feud (before the incident with Lucian) and gives more background on the three vampire Elders from the first movie (Nighy's Viktor, Zita Gorog's Amelia and Tony Curran's Marcus), the story picks up almost right where the original left off. Selene and Michael (XXX2's Scott Speedman) trying to figure out their next move after the death of Viktor. Kraven (Shane Brolly) isn't as dead as you thought he was in the first movie (he IS a vampire after all), and is marshalling his forces to destroy Michael and Selene before they can reveal the truth about him.
Selene wants to appeal to the last of the Elders to explain Viktor's betrayal and Kraven's coup, and to hopefully spare the life of Michael. Kraven thinks to destroy the final Elder and cement his position as the king of the vampires.
Marcus has other ideas. If you remember the end of the first movie, Marcus was awakened by the death of one of Kraven's henchmen above him. As in the first movie, the vampires absorb the memories and life experience of their victims through their blood. So, Marcus already knows about Kraven's plans.
Marcus was never really aligned with Viktor or Amelia. Being the first vampire, the other two elders kept him around because he'd deceived them into thinking that his entire bloodline would be destroyed if he were slain. He remained docile, though since the other two had imprisoned his twin brother William (Brian Steele, who seems to do a lot of suit-work -- he's played creatures in over a dozen movies and TV series, including Hellboy, Doom and the original Underworld), the first of the lycans.
William was something both more and less than the lycans from the original movie. He's stronger and faster, of course, being the first of his species. However, he's given to mindless savagery and he's unable to transform himself into a human appearance unlike his descendents. William was captured and imprisoned by Viktor and Amelia 300 years ago and Marcus will do anything to learn where his brother is held.
To say that Kraven doesn't last long in the movie is an understatement. Marcus whups his keister good and does the drinkie-drinkie bit on him to get some more memories before he sets off on his quest to set his brother free.
There's another new player in the game, too. A group of commandos led by a mystery man (Derek Jacobi) who travels via a private ship. The commandos retrieve the bodies of Viktor, Amelia and Lucian and neutralize the witnesses to the combat between the lycans and the vampires without killing them (How? They don't say, but the one group you see that gets similar treatment looks drugged when they wake back up). The commandos, and their leader, have a key part in the mythology of the series.
All three antagonists converge on each other, since each has pieces of each others' puzzles. Asses are kicked, alliances are made, agendas are pursued and everyone gets craft services.
I was absolutely sure the movie was a PG-13 going in (it's not -- it's an R), so color me surprised at the amount of brutality to the violence in the movie. The first Underworld was much more balletic in its combat (riding the wire fu wave at the time of its release). This one relies on speed and brute force. Marcus is a force of nature, using his hybrid bat-form as a weapon. Selene has to go hand-to-hand more than she gets to shoot guns. And Michael tears loose a little bit, fulfilling the merest bit of the potential they keep paying lip service to. Watching him rip into the "guard dogs" at Tanis' prison ain't pretty. And it convinces me that director Len Weisman might have the stones to do a Wolverine solo movie, should said project actually come to pass.
Speaking of Weisman, it plays to Kate Beckinsale's favor that her husband shot this movie. The camera plays over her lovingly, like Weisman's own eyes. She gets all the glamor shots, of course. But, who really wants to look at Scott Speedman (And all you womenfolk can just shut the heck up -- I mean it. Don't make me get the whompin' stick.)?
Beckinsale's nice to look at, and holds her own in the fights better this time around. I wasn't really looking for high dramatics from her (Let's face it...it's not that type of movie), but she's not bad. And, as said before...mmmmm, she's nice to look at.
Speedman puts in a slightly better performance this time around, less frightened and more confident (which Michael needs to be). Also, not gonna win any awards, but more than passable.
Derek Jacobi? Well, he's not at his Shakespearean best, but he's a much-appreciated touch of class. With so many of his colleagues from the Royal Shakespeare company getting work in fantasy and sci-fi (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Kenneth Brannagh, etc), it's always nice to have great stage actors to prop up a movie just a bit more.
Tony Curran? Well, he's got a bit more vampirin' to do than he did in Blade 2 (He was Priest, the first member of the Blood Pack to fall in battle). He was one of the few tolerable things about The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (though you couldn't see him -- he was the Invisible Man), and he was even pretty decent as Rodney in 2004's Flight of the Phoenix. Most movies pass or fail based on their villains, and the ever-so-slightly beefed up Curran pulls off Marcus with equal parts sadistic glee and genuine concern for his twin. Looking at IMDB, I see he's in Miami Vice, and I'm wondering what Michael Mann has made of him.
There's some weaknesses in Underworld: Evolution. It's by no means a perfect movie. If you hated the whole pseudo-goth culture of the first movie, you're not gonna appreciate the sequel. But, that's a given. And, the CGI isn't much improved over the first movie, aside from the lycans now having CG hair. I mean, who heard of bald werewolves? But, that's even sorta explained in the sequel (the modern lycans can "control their rage" and retain human characteristics -- like not needing a case of Nair a day). The transformations are deliberately jerky to make the special effects more palateable, and maybe even to make them seem slightly old school. However, whenever the camera lingers on an animated figure (like the flying Bat-Marcus), the deficiencies in the effects become glaringly apparent. You can accept it and move on, or you can nitpick and hate on it. Makes no difference to me.
As far as the conclusion of the movie, they can either end the story here or go on and make more movies. There's a solid ending to the series, if they so choose. There's also the opportunity for continuation. Oddly, I'm now a little more eager to see if this franchise has legs.
Fact is, Underworld: Evolution made me appreciate the original more. I still can't say that the movie rocked my little world, but dammit, I enjoy it more now because of the sequel. I was pleasantly surprised that a sequel made me like the original a bit more. If they can do that again with another, then by all means, let's make this a trilogy. Or a quadrilogy. Heck, they might actually get the CG down somewhere along the line.